completely ridiculous cycle of the same

im disgusted with my constant performance.


striking out when up to bat.


and ive done it again i believe.




i dont really understand what's going on. all i know is that the things you said last night aren't irrelevant. not to me. just saying some of those things you said to me was not fantastic. i already have enough insecurities as it is.

and now im just in an overload. im not sure what to think. or do. or say.


you are the one constant great thing i have. sort of what's holding this all together.


i had a great great time tonight. the concert was a lot of fun.

it sort of felt like an escape.


id like to do that more often.


you make me feel amazing.
it's almost euphoric.
because with you i am able to really just be myself.
and let go.
and dance like an idiot with my friends.
im able to really forget everything.
and be alive.

this is my religion

so what exactly am i doing? if you are confused.

so what exactly am i doing? if this is all new to you and you aren't ready to be in a relationship.

so what exactly am i doing? if when i ask you about visiting me you just get awkward and say you don't know

so what exactly am i doing? if after you say all of these things you tell me to disregard them



everything is just flowing. i feel like im getting effected by anything. i feel like im not really soaking anything in. im not thinking. im not learning. im not caring. im just here. this is how it was before. its lonely.

im strong. im tough. but i dont know if im strong enough for this.

i love him. uncontrollaby at times. and when he told me tonight that there may be truth to my statements that at times it feels a bit one sided, my heart sank.

im all for commitment, but i'm not up for being some kind of doormat. again.

i think im just confused. like he's confused.

i really dont even know what to say. like im really melancholic(your word).







first love yourself then you can love someone else
if you can change someone else then you have saved someone else.

(its all cyclical)

frustration

i am so completely worn out.

i have let myself become so infatuated with you that i let the smallest thing you do just effect me.

this probably wasn't smart.
my body just gets so frustrated. and my mind cant take it.

i just keep telling my mind to calm down. just calm down.

i can't calm down. and i want to so badly.

you always talk about how you wish you had a better body, and nicer stomach.
i just want a new mind. one that isnt so defective.


you make me incredibly happy and i dont think i convey that enough. or at all. anymore.




at one moment i feel like i can take over the world, and the next i feel like im carrying the world on my back.



im really quite lonely.

bleh.

i can tell something is wrong because i have every reason in the world to be happy.
but im not.

i mean i occasionally am. but im just stressed i think.


i really sometimes wish you realized how lucky you are.



"in life the only person you can really depend on is yourself"

and that's the truest thing i heard today. and it just has been ringing through my head. im glad you said it.

it's empowering. being on your own is empowering.

you on the other hand are delusional. i dont know whats happening, but you really aggravated me tonight. you dont pay attention to me. and i even tell you that, and nothing seems to change. literally all i think about is you and basically i give you my undivided attention.

ive really got to get a hold of all this. because i really just feel like im spinning out of control.

definitely.

i dont want to play any games. except monopoly.

but

hmm....

im really really frustrated which means that i am most likely going to be up late tonight.

like always. with a racing mind.