sometimes people literally only care about themselves.


and i wonder if the fact that i am even writing this reiterates that point.

my head really does feel as if its about to explode.

so much that i cant even make myself go to bed.

something happened within the past year or so. it's sad really. i don't seem to really have many good friends. and possibly this is just a part of living in the city. everyone's busy with their own things a lot. and maybe i just feel this way because i dont really seem to have my own "thing" going on. but my friends seem to be flaky. it's kind of sad that i felt like going out tonight, but i didnt have any friends to go out with.

and how do you even make new friends. ive sort of forgotten how.

my mind is chock full of stuff. it's insane.

i'm not going to my classes tomorrow. instead im going to go to the moma. i think that doing the latter is a bit more helpful to me.

and i feel this post makes me seem as though im sad. and im not in any way. it's just me being observant.

and as it always seems to happen i feel like every aspect of my life is going out of control. and when that happens i always make myself feel like im in control by cutting down on my eating. i've been eating far too much anyways.

and as anorexic as it makes me sound( and trust me im not), the feeling of having an empty stomach and being ok with it is the a big rush of control.

i mean if i don't really have any friends to go out with at night and really not very much money, the least i can do is get skinnier, right?

dreams part one

I was stuck in Philadelphia. I couldn't get out. Amy was there. Her mom was there. It almost felt like I was home. Maybe even my family was there. But I couldn't leave. I even tried looking at a map, but it just was all out of focus. And I went to a hotel and asked the concierge and he tried to explain it, but I couldn't really comprehend.

speed & repetition

It's always the same cycle. So lets say I start off fairly sane. I live that way for a while. And then it creeps in. First the depression; the low times. the sad times. the lonely times. In the beginning it will last for a day or two. And then I get hyper. I get happy. I feel invincible and powerful. Again these feelings last for a few days. And then things speed up. It's a day of this and a day of that. One day I'm happy and the next day I'm the exact opposite. As the days go on, the feelings only intensify. As the days go on, I get more and more distraught on the sad days, and more and more exuberant and almost delirious on the good days. And then it always gets to the point where the moods are so elevated that they come and go multiple times per day. Almost like flickers of emotion. My body and mind get so completely worn out that I can barely function.


It's like clock work.

lose your dreams, and you will lose your mind.

I've started reading this great book about balancing your mood swings and how to revive creative energy through it. I've only begun it but it really is a great book. I was just at the library, and I happened by it and grabbed it.

The one thing i read so far that has stuck in my head is that you cant just talk about being something, you just have to do it. For instance I can't just always keep saying I want to be a writer. It defeats the purpose. I have to write. I have to work at it and get things published. Focusing on being a writer interferes with the action.

It's all about action.

Somehow the first month of being back here has been completely rough. I'm not really sure what happened or how it happened. I think it was just these intense instances of being in utter bliss, and then instances of complete depression. In a matter of weeks my mind had gone awry.

I think I am the smartest I have ever been in my life. I'm very aware of whats going on. I'm aware of what needs to be done, and who has my best interests in mind. And I don't believe that you do. I'm sort of realizing that no matter what you always have your own self in mind. at all times. Even when I tell you that I'm completely out of it and depressed and manic, all you say is "I can't handle this". It's always about you.
Thats wierd to me.

I think that I have far too much compassion for other people, and not enough for myself. and I realize that YOU sir are laughing at that. :) But I really believe that it's true.

I'm really refocusing my attention on my future now.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be a homeless man living in New York City. The idea of carelessness that I associate with it seems appealing at times. Times like now. I feel being a bum is so stressful that it becomes stress free. You don't have to worry about getting dressed up for an interview and stressing out about whether you got the job. There is no worrying about going on that blind date with a guy you met on some gay dating website. Do bums date? Now thats a great question. I wouldn't think so. Back to the subject, I just think that at times I wouldn't mind switching my life with a bum. I much rather roam the streets day after day without a care in the world. That non restrictive type of living allows for pure freedom.

Even in the greatest city in the world, it's easy to feel trapped.

ecstatic.

so i look pretty bad in this picture.

but i tried to sit down and write how im feeling.
and i think this photo sums it up better than any words could.

for better or worse, quick

i cant really tell if my mood is headed in a better direction or not.

i just feel almost frustrated at times.

you compliment me. and i love it. you make me feel completely special

but why can i only look at the bad side of things. i guess it is just how my mind operates.



i like when you tell me those things.

foolish and suffering from insomnia

i cant sleep. i cant stop writing.
i have to stop thinking.


i have to stop thinking that im alone. im not alone.


im not alone.

but i feel very alone.

i really have a lot of stuff just bottled up. i forget that.

because when im happy i just feel like it goes away. but its still there.

its just hiding. and it just adds up. and builds up.

i do a lot of research. everyone knows that. i hate doing research on depression.

part of me i think would just rather stay in denial of everything.
but i did tonight.

i just want to seize it.

i want to take control. reverse things.

my mind is literally full of information. that i want to get out. that i need to get out.



i need a stabilizing factor.

i dont want to feel used.

all i ever wanted is to be really happy. and my body is covered with chills as i write that because i feel like i look around and it just comes so naturally for other people.
and i want that.

ive heard stories. ive read stories.

and i dont want to mess up another relationship.





the idea of finding something to keep my mind busy doesn't seem to be a solution.
just a temporary fix.




i really just don't don't know.


i got frustrated tonight because i want you here so bad that i think that i subconsciously pushed you away.

thats definitely the last thing i want.

"i fell in love again, all things go, all things go"



i have always been determined to never let any of this affect my future.

i would like to have a purpose.

this is exactly how my journals seems to work.

i will probably write in this thing 10 times over the next three days and then never really look at it again. its just a cycle.
like everything else.


i am not even sure what i want to type, because i dont think that any combination of words i can create would even remotely portray how im feeling.

im just...basically...well manic.

its up and down and up and down.

it wears you out.



maybe its because its winter. im not sure. but i should really get my shit together.

if not im going to end up fucking everything up.



ive got a lot running through my head. intense.

to you,
im really sorry im not there. i realize that this is tough. i mean i dont really realize because i have not ever remotely been through this. i want to be there. and i will be there. and i know its going to work out fine. you told me that all of this has made you feel naked. its going to be fine. i love how you know me so well. everytime we've talked recently, you tell me i sound sad. i just tell you im fine. that everything's fine.
but everything's not fine.


sometimes i just feel like i make all of the wrong decisions. and i tell myself i shouldnt be focusing on anything negative.

its just a pit. negativity is.


escape.
escape.
escape.


id like to get lost for a while. maybe i wasnt ready for this.
big changes.

im really at odds.



this moment is a great example of my tendencies.

i throw myself.


(light attracts light repels dark)


at people.



i just want to be important.




maybe that is the core of it.


i think im realizing thats all something ive got to get for myself.



eh dsenot erlyl crae. hatt swa jtsu dmea rvye vbosuoi.













strike 3....err like 100.

looks like im out.

i'm kind of insane

and i realize this. i do. i don't like admitting it. and i won't often.

i dont want to be on medication. id rather do it this way, because i would rather have the two extremities than one monotonous life monitored by medication.

and my mind always likes to tell me that im alone and that no one knows or cares how i feel.

and you told me on the staircase that you understood.

but i dont think you do. because you don't care now.

if you cared you would call.

if you cared when i tell you that im going insane you wouldnt respond with "oh, ok"

if you cared you would have asked me to come up to the office and not aubrey. we would have gone to patricia field. we would have watched teeth together because i told you i wanted to see it.


you arent a good friend. and i am trying to discern whether or not its something you do consciously or if it is just a lack in judgement.

but lately i really think that you have been an awful friend. and i realize you have your own issues you are going through. but i very much care about your situation and what happens with you.

when i try and talk to you about plans or ideas i have, you quickly belittle and write them off.

and yes im in love again! and yes im going to make mistakes again!! im sorry that i fuck up.

im just in a bad, desperate place right now. and for some reason i thought you out of all people would understand and really try and help me out.

but then again you are the one who a year ago i told you that i was depressed and you wrote it off saying," jimmy you dont even know what depression is really. you are just over reacting"

and i tried to tell you about my mind. and how i can't ever be on any kind of stable middle ground. all i recognize is extremes. you told me this was a cop out.

well its true.
i always have to be on either end of the spectrum.

and the part that wears me out is the travel from one end to the other is a daily thing.

and you want to go get tattoos this weekend. and im not going to go. i dont want to.

im sure traver's available.








I sat there at the Philadelphia airport. As a result of my excitement, my body was always moving. I just wanted to be there; to be back home, in New York.


What do i want?

pfft.

The Beginning...The Middle...Or Something

I'm not really entirely sure if this is the best place to start this, but it seems like a better time now than later.

At my current state, it has taken me three weeks to drain my savings account basically. I do have a job starting next week, but I'm still nervous at the fact that I ran through that much money so quickly. I've met a new boy. We hung out all last week. And I would have to say that it was almost dream like. Although part of the reason my savings account has depleted is because of him. I'm happy, but I'm lonely. For the first time in a long time, I'm really on my own. And I'm really not very happy. I'm scared. Because this is the one thing I was more scared of than anything.

I feel hideous right now. I feel anxious right now. I feel happy right now. I feel ashamed right now. I feel alone right now. My mind is jumbled right now.

I keep thinking that I thought all of this manic behavior would end in high school. It still seems to perk up now.

My biggest want right now is to just become a recluse and sit in this room for the next 4 months. I don't understand it. I worked so hard to get back here. And I don't even want to be here anymore.

I don't have what I had before. This almost status. I had cool friends. I was going to cool parties. I had these things that are so trite to live your life by, but I did at some point. And at that point, I felt like I was somebody.

Now I'm back to square one. Building myself up again. And I am realizing that it's hard to build yourself back up again, when you don't even really know what you are building.

I don't think that most people understand that I do have a lot of stuff I am trying to deal with. And whether I create my own chaos or not, it's still chaos and it's still real.


I would just like to feel safe. And really happy again. Like I was.

It's hard to pick yourself up out of the bottom of the pit.
Especially when your body is sore from doing it day after day.

I know I'm crazy. And I know that if anyone ever reads this they will think that I'm crazy. I know it, ok? I know it.

I sometimes just wish I could runaway and live in the middle of nowhere. And be content.
But I really don't think that I will ever be content. And maybe that is just my nature. To be constantly moving and adapting.

I think that at this point I just need to find out what makes me happy. And run with it.

And part of me is scared to admit to myself that it might not be New York that makes me happy anymore, because then what is next?

Your guess is as good as mine.