foolish and suffering from insomnia

i cant sleep. i cant stop writing.
i have to stop thinking.


i have to stop thinking that im alone. im not alone.


im not alone.

but i feel very alone.

i really have a lot of stuff just bottled up. i forget that.

because when im happy i just feel like it goes away. but its still there.

its just hiding. and it just adds up. and builds up.

i do a lot of research. everyone knows that. i hate doing research on depression.

part of me i think would just rather stay in denial of everything.
but i did tonight.

i just want to seize it.

i want to take control. reverse things.

my mind is literally full of information. that i want to get out. that i need to get out.



i need a stabilizing factor.

i dont want to feel used.

all i ever wanted is to be really happy. and my body is covered with chills as i write that because i feel like i look around and it just comes so naturally for other people.
and i want that.

ive heard stories. ive read stories.

and i dont want to mess up another relationship.





the idea of finding something to keep my mind busy doesn't seem to be a solution.
just a temporary fix.




i really just don't don't know.


i got frustrated tonight because i want you here so bad that i think that i subconsciously pushed you away.

thats definitely the last thing i want.

"i fell in love again, all things go, all things go"



i have always been determined to never let any of this affect my future.