lose your dreams, and you will lose your mind.

I've started reading this great book about balancing your mood swings and how to revive creative energy through it. I've only begun it but it really is a great book. I was just at the library, and I happened by it and grabbed it.

The one thing i read so far that has stuck in my head is that you cant just talk about being something, you just have to do it. For instance I can't just always keep saying I want to be a writer. It defeats the purpose. I have to write. I have to work at it and get things published. Focusing on being a writer interferes with the action.

It's all about action.

Somehow the first month of being back here has been completely rough. I'm not really sure what happened or how it happened. I think it was just these intense instances of being in utter bliss, and then instances of complete depression. In a matter of weeks my mind had gone awry.

I think I am the smartest I have ever been in my life. I'm very aware of whats going on. I'm aware of what needs to be done, and who has my best interests in mind. And I don't believe that you do. I'm sort of realizing that no matter what you always have your own self in mind. at all times. Even when I tell you that I'm completely out of it and depressed and manic, all you say is "I can't handle this". It's always about you.
Thats wierd to me.

I think that I have far too much compassion for other people, and not enough for myself. and I realize that YOU sir are laughing at that. :) But I really believe that it's true.

I'm really refocusing my attention on my future now.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be a homeless man living in New York City. The idea of carelessness that I associate with it seems appealing at times. Times like now. I feel being a bum is so stressful that it becomes stress free. You don't have to worry about getting dressed up for an interview and stressing out about whether you got the job. There is no worrying about going on that blind date with a guy you met on some gay dating website. Do bums date? Now thats a great question. I wouldn't think so. Back to the subject, I just think that at times I wouldn't mind switching my life with a bum. I much rather roam the streets day after day without a care in the world. That non restrictive type of living allows for pure freedom.

Even in the greatest city in the world, it's easy to feel trapped.