The Beginning...The Middle...Or Something

I'm not really entirely sure if this is the best place to start this, but it seems like a better time now than later.

At my current state, it has taken me three weeks to drain my savings account basically. I do have a job starting next week, but I'm still nervous at the fact that I ran through that much money so quickly. I've met a new boy. We hung out all last week. And I would have to say that it was almost dream like. Although part of the reason my savings account has depleted is because of him. I'm happy, but I'm lonely. For the first time in a long time, I'm really on my own. And I'm really not very happy. I'm scared. Because this is the one thing I was more scared of than anything.

I feel hideous right now. I feel anxious right now. I feel happy right now. I feel ashamed right now. I feel alone right now. My mind is jumbled right now.

I keep thinking that I thought all of this manic behavior would end in high school. It still seems to perk up now.

My biggest want right now is to just become a recluse and sit in this room for the next 4 months. I don't understand it. I worked so hard to get back here. And I don't even want to be here anymore.

I don't have what I had before. This almost status. I had cool friends. I was going to cool parties. I had these things that are so trite to live your life by, but I did at some point. And at that point, I felt like I was somebody.

Now I'm back to square one. Building myself up again. And I am realizing that it's hard to build yourself back up again, when you don't even really know what you are building.

I don't think that most people understand that I do have a lot of stuff I am trying to deal with. And whether I create my own chaos or not, it's still chaos and it's still real.


I would just like to feel safe. And really happy again. Like I was.

It's hard to pick yourself up out of the bottom of the pit.
Especially when your body is sore from doing it day after day.

I know I'm crazy. And I know that if anyone ever reads this they will think that I'm crazy. I know it, ok? I know it.

I sometimes just wish I could runaway and live in the middle of nowhere. And be content.
But I really don't think that I will ever be content. And maybe that is just my nature. To be constantly moving and adapting.

I think that at this point I just need to find out what makes me happy. And run with it.

And part of me is scared to admit to myself that it might not be New York that makes me happy anymore, because then what is next?

Your guess is as good as mine.