manic & light

i would like to have a purpose.

this is exactly how my journals seems to work.

i will probably write in this thing 10 times over the next three days and then never really look at it again. its just a cycle.
like everything else.


i am not even sure what i want to type, because i dont think that any combination of words i can create would even remotely portray how im feeling.

im just...basically...well manic.

its up and down and up and down.

it wears you out.



maybe its because its winter. im not sure. but i should really get my shit together.

if not im going to end up fucking everything up.



ive got a lot running through my head. intense.

to you,
im really sorry im not there. i realize that this is tough. i mean i dont really realize because i have not ever remotely been through this. i want to be there. and i will be there. and i know its going to work out fine. you told me that all of this has made you feel naked. its going to be fine. i love how you know me so well. everytime we've talked recently, you tell me i sound sad. i just tell you im fine. that everything's fine.
but everything's not fine.


sometimes i just feel like i make all of the wrong decisions. and i tell myself i shouldnt be focusing on anything negative.

its just a pit. negativity is.


escape.
escape.
escape.


id like to get lost for a while. maybe i wasnt ready for this.
big changes.

im really at odds.



this moment is a great example of my tendencies.

i throw myself.


(light attracts light repels dark)


at people.



i just want to be important.




maybe that is the core of it.


i think im realizing thats all something ive got to get for myself.



eh dsenot erlyl crae. hatt swa jtsu dmea rvye vbosuoi.













strike 3....err like 100.

looks like im out.